Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
