Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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