so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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