it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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