$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
