I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
