sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
