My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
