He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
