I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
