I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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