i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
