Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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