why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
