Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
