No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
