dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
