Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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