oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
