So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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