I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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