Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
