Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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