you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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