I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
