did you get engaged???
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
