Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
