sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
