did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Randomize
