I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
