Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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