I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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