I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
