Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
