I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
