i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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