Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
