It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
