I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
