Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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