Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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