That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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