How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
