Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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