that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
