I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
