In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
