My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
