I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
