Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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