Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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