I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
